We've all been there. Our kid is in the middle of Walmart throwing a fit with dozens of eyes peering in our direction, seemingly, silently, asking the question,"Why can't you get your kid's behavior under control?" At the same time we are mumbling under our breath toward our child, "Why can't you just behave?" This is a scene so familiar, so common to our cultural and personal experiences, that we almost dismiss how it points to what really is the point of parenting for most parents. It points to our desire to not look stupid in front of others, to not be judged harshly by strangers and friends alike, and to have children who manage their behavior well enough so that we don't have to expend energy we don't seem to have in managing their behavior for them. The point of parenting, then, although not necessarily verbalized or possibly even identified, becomes about children who behave well. We have much more eloquent ways to describe this goal. We want to raise kids who "respect" authority, that make a "contribution" to society, that learn how to take care of themselves. These are pretty ways to say that we want our kids to be and become, as adults, master managers of personal behavior. Whole families and cultures are built on this very premise. Personal behavior in most cultures reflects on whole families and communities; hence, we get cultures that are built on avoiding family or community shame. It's that kind of pressure that often coerces adults into behaving well. Fortunately, or unfortunately, children only gradually sense that shame pressure and will behave in ways that will often embarrass and mortify their parents as they slowly learn the family and cultural shame rules. This is a pretty natural and normative way for people to parent.
Can shame be healthy?
I don't necessarily think there is such a thing as "healthy shame," at least in the way that it is normally defined, which identifies the worth of the person based on what they do or don't do. For example, if I find out that my child lied to me about taking a few dollars out of my wallet, this would not negate the inherent self-worth that my child possesses. Shame states that a bad action equates to the person being "bad." In one sense, this feels true, even though its not. As sinners our very being is corrupted, in need of being made complete, new. It is out of that being, or nature, that we do selfish, wrongly motivated things. It is not our actions, though, that determine our brokenness, it is our broken nature that precedes our wrong actions. Shame gets this backwards. That's why I believe there is nothing good that can come out of shame. For shame seems to once and for all put a person into the camp where reconciliation and redemption are impossible. I mean, what hope does a "bad" person have at being good ? Shame already determined who they are and their apparent destiny.
Can guilt be healthy?
Unlike shame, there is a "bad" feeling/sense that can be redemptive, reconciliation-driven. And that sense, or moral conviction, is this: guilt. Guilt can be good if it is used redemptively. Like a hammer, guilt can be used to rebuild and restore or to tear down and destroy. When a child recognizes that they have done something wrong and they sense guilt attacking their conscience, parents can use that as the springboard toward reconciling a relationship or personal character issue. On the other hand, a parent can use guilt to manipulate, control and take advantage of their child's vulnerability. Often this takes the form of a parent requiring restitution that does not match the "crime" committed. For example, I have often heard of parents grounding their kids for weeks on end for an offense (such as talking back) that would require less grounding and more relational coaching. What happens in disciplining a child for a lesser offense, then, is that the parent is trying to get a bigger message across, rather than coming alongside of the child to train them how to respond or act differently in similar situations. The point of the punishment becomes more about proving that "You WILL never do that to me again!," "I'll show you who the king of this castle is!" or "I'm going to make sure that you never hurt me like that again!" So a parent can use a small offense to make a big point about themselves; rather than taking the time to train their child to respond differently, based, not on a power or guilt trip, but on helping their child to experience heart transformation.
Parenting as a long-term strategic process
In our current unparented culture, Christians have a model of parenting that speaks right to the heart of our relational woes. This is because being a Christ-follower is not about behavior management. It's not about God manipulating, controlling or coercing us to follow him. It's about walking with God in order that we might experience heart transformation. It's about being changed from the inside out. And, because Christ is concerned so much about our hearts, he "parents" us very strategically to experience transformation that goes beyond sin management. Here is a road map that we as parents can use to navigate our parenting journey. It is the very road map God uses in relation to us. The driving principle behind this road map is that it is a journey, a process. Proverbs 22:6 puts it well: "Train up a child in the way he should go..." Training is an everyday activity, one that requires pain, patience and perseverance. Hebrews 12 provides an incredible model for what transformation looks like in the Christian life; a model that can be emulated in the way we raise our children.
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful" (Hebrews 12:11)
The first part of this transformation process is recognizing that experiencing heart change is going to be painful. The very thing that we avoid is actually the first step toward being transformed into what we want to become. People often do not change unless they experience pain. The addict doesn't decide to go to rehab until they have hit "rock bottom." The overweight individual decides to finally lose weight when they are told by a doctor that they will die soon if they continue with their eating and non-exercise habits. Experiencing pain is the first part of transformation. To be sure, pain in regards to correcting our children needs to be child and offense specific. For example, my 3-year old is a very sensitive little guy, while my 7-year old, to his benefit, and sometimes detriment, can be very stubborn, holding his position until mommy or daddy provide a "hard" consequence for his actions. For my 3-year old, "the look" is enough to bring him to tears, which is often pain enough for him to change course. If I give my 7-year old "the look" for his offense he will be as moved as a boulder being pushed by a toddler. He requires more pain for his offenses: time in his room alone or losing his TV or computer privileges for a set period of time, as examples. These child and offense specific consequences start the road to transformation. If we stop here, though, this will only result in behavior management, rather than heart change.
"Strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees" (Hebrews 12:12)
This leads us to our second point; once our child has experienced appropriate pain, they need to be built back up with encouragement. This often takes the form of words, intentional physical touches and body language. Saying "I love you regardless of what you do" or "I will always love you simply because you are my child" can have a powerful bonding effect between a parent and his or her child when pain has been experienced in response to the child's actions. Making sure to give a healthy "bear" hug, kiss on the cheek or letting your child cuddle in your lap for a minute reminds our children that there is a safe, unmovable place that they can come back to when they are hurting and need comfort. Importantly, our body language speaks a thousand words to our children. When we have genuinely built our child up and moved forward our body language will express that with open arms, unclenched fists and welcoming facial expressions.
"Make level paths for your feet, 'so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed"(Hebrews 12:13)
The third point in helping our child to experience heart transformation is teaching, training and coaching them to get back on course. This simply means that we plot out the course for them, and, when age-appropriate, with them. This isn't unlike learning how to throw a football. We could easily tell our child, "Go throw a football" and magically hope that they will become a star quarterback. It doesn't usually happen this way. Usually, an invested adult spends hours upon hours training the future quarterback. First, the coach lets him know what the football is, explaining the laces and where to place one's fingers when throwing it. Then the mentor shows the quarterback the mechanics of throwing it appropriately, having him observe the mentor throwing the ball. This part takes time. It's tedious and requires much patience. At some point, the mentor will spend days, weeks, months and likely years throwing the ball thousands of times with the quarterback, sometimes being very directive on one end of the spectrum to merely observing and offering helpful feedback on the other end. The coaching style will be situation-specific and will ebb and flow with time. This kind of coaching in real-life situations with our children allows us to proactively train and intelligently respond to situations that occur. The parent provides a stable, steady relationship with their child. A relationship that is built on the foundation of our identity in Christ, mutual concern for one another, and a growing ability to move past mistakes.
Providing this type of training gives our children the best possible chance to have their hearts transformed to love God and others well, which goes far beyond managing our sin and being encouraged. To be sure, destroying bad habits and replacing them with new ones are critical to the process, but that's not the end goal. Training our children, at its heart, is about restoration. The restoration of broken people, like you and me, to their Savior and the people he created. Like coaching, parenting is messy, filled with mishaps and insecurities. That's part of the journey. Jesus' not only teaches us how to drop to our knees daily in order to receive forgiveness for our shortcomings (which we all have), but also provides the unchanging road map for us to get back on course. This road map of accepting pain, being parented by God and following his narrow path is the same course that parents are privileged to walk with their children on.
How do I make this a reality in my own life?
- Spend time with God reflecting on parenting as a process that is filled with mishaps and joys.
- Take ownership of God's goal for parenting (restoration through heart transformation) by writing it everywhere (mirrors, cupboards, refrigerator, computer, etc.) until it settles deep into soul.
- Choose one small "behavior" that you would like to coach your child through.
- Pray beforehand that your child's heart would be softened to God's leading through your leadership.
- Choose one appropriate "painful" consequence that will be experienced the next time your child misbehaves in the behavior you have chosen to address.
- When your child misbehaves, apply the consequence, allow your child to spend a few minutes with the pain and then initiate the rebuilding process (verbal affirmations of love and worth, physical touches, open body language).
- Chart out with your child how to react appropriately to the situation in which the behavior seems to pop-up the most (you may have to "play" this scenario with them in order for them to "see" how to respond).
- Remind them often that you care more about their hearts than their behaviors.
- Keep repeating the process with this particular behavior until this way of living flows naturally out of your child's heart. Don't be surprised to have to revisit "old" issues; just address them again when they pop up.
(To be fair, the framework for this style of parenting from Hebrews comes from (well, God) a great book on parenting named, appropriately, Spiritual Parenting, by Michele Anthony. It's a brilliant, paradigm-shifting book that induces hope and provides grace-filled, and practical skills to make parenting our children for transformation a reality. Check it out, buy a copy and be filled with hope for the journey of discipling your children!)
Another Parent-In-Process,
Josh
No comments:
Post a Comment