When I was child I longed for those high-energy moments, those summit experiences that seemed to provide the impetus to surviving the seemingly mundane and repetitive nature of life. I wanted to experience the rush of my stomach sinking to my toes on the tallest roller coaster. I was the first to sign-up for trips to other countries around the world in order to experience the intensity of being immersed in a different culture. I would test the limits of speed on my bike, skateboard and, dare I say, car (the first car I had was Yugo, which wouldn't even hit sixty-five on the highway - not much of a rush!). I suppose a lot of this had to do with my impulsivity, normal teenage thrill-seeking and my biological ADD tendencies; however, there was something deeper being formed in my worldview. Something that has driven me to times of despair and sadness. Something that formed in me a basic belief, strongly reinforced by my emotional and experiential memories, that has been both unhelpful and depressing. The belief is this: We are most alive, most human and fulfilled, in those "high" moments of our lives. Think about it. We seem to be drawn to the next experience, whether it be consuming thousands of calories of donuts, candy bars and soda; intoxicating our senses with alcohol, nicotine, caffeine or illegal drugs; purchasing and playing for weeks, literally, the newest combat video game; or buying the newest clothes, the next house, the most luxurious yacht. As humans, we are drawn to the next high, for it is there that our innate desire seems most fulfilled, most alive. But these highs often betray us, leaving us overweight, exhausted, broke and empty. How else do we explain the addict, whatever addiction they may have, "chasing the high" at the detriment of their families, friends and selves? How else can we explain the asinine behaviors we hear on a regular basis (think a person trampling on others at Walmart on Black Friday in order to get a 32" $80 T.V. for a mother-in-law they don't even like or a teenager eating too much candy, pizza and soda before experiencing the high of the roller coaster rush only to be left with his head hanging in a toilet offering the sacrifice of half-digested food to the great white throne - not that I know from experience). I have to hand it to those who at least allow themselves to experience passion and desire during those high moments, albeit misplaced and damaging, for there is something real inside that person that longs to come alive, that longs to experience the reality that there is more than what we see or live on a regular basis. This desire is the engine of our spirituality. Yes, this scary, unpredictable, even sometimes haunting, suppressed and resented energy is the fuel to our existence. I would be bold enough to say that our journey with Christ, it's initiation and growth, is a journey of desire. It is in possessing and acting upon desire that makes us uniquely human.
Because desire is often misused and abused it gets a bad reputation. In an over-sexualized culture, were desire is often equated with misplaced erotic and explicit sex, and has so much guilt and shame attached to it, we are hesitant to think of our existence, and the journey of walking with Christ, as one of desire. To be sure, sexual attraction and the act of sex are born out of passion, desire. This is a great thing in the right context! Whatever your theology may be about spirituality one cannot deny that God describes his relationship with the people of God as one of a bride and groom, and all that that entails. Goodness, read the Song of Solomon and, not without red hot cheeks, try to leave that book of the Bible without appreciating that the romantic, sexual longing for the opposite sex is a God-given energy. An inclination that, dare I say, fuels the spiritual life. If God desires us the same way that a virgin groom desire his virgin bride on their wedding day, then think what the implications are for how God longs for us and how he "desires" for us to long for him. Sex in the right context (hey, it rhymes) is the primary living metaphor that God uses to describe our relationship with him. A metaphor that finds its beginning, middle and end with desire. Take away desire and the metaphor loses all of its weight. Sex without desire, as many know from experience, is like candy without sugar. What's the point? In the same way, spirituality that is not centered on desire is really no spirituality at all. It's just mechanics. Going through the motions. Dead.
Some of you may be saying at this point, you are just crazy Josh, to which I would mostly agree. But I challenge you, read the Scriptures for yourselves. Read the Song of Solomon and ask God if the spiritual life isn't primarily about desire. Read Mark 10:46-52 and ask yourself if Jesus isn't appealing to Bartimaeus' desire when he asks him the question, "What do you want me to do for you?" Read them for yourself and ask God to reveal what's true.
Life does have it's summits, its high points: The birth of a child, Christmas morning, chocolate. These high points, in my opinion, aren't the primary place, though, where desire is meant to be lived out and experienced. Learning to live from a place of desire happens by walking with the One who is the most desirous of all, on a regular, longstanding basis. In the mundane. In the "everydayness." In the valleys and in the plains, and sometimes even on the mountaintops.
Desire, for me, is much easier to write about in an office on a computer where everything is sterile (to the best of my knowledge) and mostly predictable. It's much more difficult for me to live. Desire actually scares the hell out of me. I, like you, have been cultured to be reasonable, cool-headed and safe. Build the retirement plan, find the best school for your child, live in the safest neighborhood. Keep it safe. Don't risk. Live predictably. On one hand the life philosophy behind these mantra's "feel" so right. On the other one, they, for me, are the enemies of living from the place of desire that God calls us to. As a caveat, lest you think this is just a naive rant, desire does not dismiss wisdom. In fact they are two sides of the same coin. What God-directed desire does, though, is push the limits of our man-made manifestos of how to live life. It's a dangerous thing when we take our cultural philosophy of keep-it-safe-and-save and call that the wisdom of God, without considering whether or not God's desire and the one that he has placed in us, are being squelched or enlivened. True wisdom accounts for, no, demands, desire. One without the other is like a coffee without a cup.
In the spirit of transparency, I struggle with discovering (rediscovering?) my own desire. Like everybody else my life has come with many punches: medical crises, relational strains, financial pressures, mental health issues, to name a few. Desire makes me mad, angry, hopeful and alive. Mad and angry because it seems so distant, unattainable and irrational; hopeful and alive because, when I experience moments of living from unadulterated desire, my heart bursts, my mind fully activates and my soul shouts, "This is how God made us to live!" I want to live from the place of daily amazement, awe and awareness of God's restoring work that is all around. I want to see it. I want to experience it. I want to be part of his transforming work in the mundane and repetitive, not just on the mountaintops. I want to live out what my over-educated brain knows about God from the deepest well of desire that God shaped in me. It's so hard. The misplaced and destructive outworkings of this good desire will need to, by God's Spirit, be diverted to the only One who we will find our desires' completion in. That's the journey I've just begun. I'm still in the baby incubator of desire. My prayer for us is that we will live from this scary, unpredictable, but most satisfying place of desire in our lives. It is a prayer based on the reality that "The reason we do not see God is the faintness of desire" (Meister Eckhart). I pray that God would enliven our desire so that we can see him for who he really is.
How Can This Become A Reality In My Own Life
- The best I know to do at this point is to be present with God by being quiet before him, with his Word open, a demeanor of humility and a physical posture of open hands.
- If you have any ideas to add on how to make this a reality in our lives, please feel free to make your addition!
A Friend-In-Process,
Josh
No comments:
Post a Comment