We Don't Choose Our Friends, They Choose Us

Friendships form who we are. If a friendship is marked by mutual concern, trust and forgiveness we become a more concerned, trusting and forgiving person. Contrarily, if our primary friendship(s) is defined by bitterness, lack of forgiveness and broken promises, we will likely become bitter, unforgiving and break promises. We become like those we spend the most time with. Proverbs, those pithy sayings by King Solomon still apply as much in our contemporary society as they did thousands of years ago when they were first penned. He casts light on the dissimilarities between the fool and the wise person, ultimately providing practical ways to become wise in our actions. "The wisdom of the prudent," Solomon writes in Proverbs 14:8, "is to give thought to their ways." Those who are wise think about, ponder and evaluate the outcome, rewards, consequences of their relationships and outward actions. Careful thinking in this way is not much different than a well-marinated chicken spiedie. Spiedies must be  marinated just long enough to absorb the marinade, but not to long as to let the chicken spoil. Most people wouldn't marinade chicken for just a minute or two and proclaim that the chicken is "marinated." No, they would let it sit for many hours, a couple of days even, until what was on the outside is now thoroughly absorbed on the inside. Likewise, it would be foolish of us to make quick, snap decisions that require thought and prudence. Yes, there are many everyday decisions we make that don't require such "thinking through" - which socks to wear, whether I should go to work or not and even whether I should compliment my spouse, kid or friend. There are other decisions, though, that do require careful thought, marination, if you like, especially in relation to our friendships. How much time should I spend with this person or that person? What are the rewards and/or consequences of spending time with them? Do they draw me closer to Christ or further away? How do I feel emotionally when I am around this person? These are great questions to ask, for they demonstrate what is most important in our lives; namely, our intimate connection with Christ. If our real goal is walking with Christ and becoming like him in our actions, then it is incredibly wise to ask the hard, discerning questions about our friends.

     Why, then, don't most of us think through these types of questions in relation to our friends? I think it's because we are acceptance magnets. In fact, I think our friends choose us, based on whether or not they accept us, rather than us choosing them? How else do you explain the fact that good people who want to do the right thing will join foolish people in their crazy, dangerous lifestyles? I think it's because we so crave acceptance from others that we are willing to compromise our values, convictions and self in order to be accepted by others. How many times have we lied or fudged the truth in order to be accepted by others; for them to think that we are significant and worthwhile enough to spend time with? How many times have we put on an act in front of others for the sake of "feeling" like we belong, rather than just being ourselves and risking rejection? We truly long to be accepted by others, we really do. This is not necessarily a bad thing, though. It becomes bad when we sacrifice who we are for the illusion that we are accepted by others based on some fake version of ourselves. The longing to fit in, to be accepted, to be part of a group of like-minded people is one of humanities greatest longings. A longing that finds its completion in being accepted  in who Christ is, what he has done and what he says about you; namely, the real you is loved, accepted and significant in him. Being accepted by God is the single greatest pursuit that any man or woman could journey on, for when we find our acceptance, significance and fulfillment in him, we no longer have to look to others to play that role of God in our lives. We can then look at others as equals, rather than feeling superior or inferior to them. We can give them something rather than looking to them to give us something. We can be a true friend, a friend who shapes, influences and encourages others to be in love with the One who brings the acceptance and love they are looking for, rather than trying to get something from someone who doesn't have that to give.

     The group that Christ calls us to be in communion with is his "body." This is the group where we, ideally, and we certainly live in a less-than-ideal world, would be accepted, loved and shaped by. This is the community that should reinforce our identity, purpose and longings. No, it's never ideal. No, not ever. But, the ideal is worth chasing because, when we pursue it, we become chosen by those who strengthen our resolve to pursue the wise way of living. It provides the experiences we need, in community, to form us into Christ's image. Chasing the ideal, ideally (a double ideal, I guess), puts us in a place where we know that we have been chosen by Christ to be his lover. And, we are chosen by those who love him to be fellow sojourners on the journey. Because our friends determine, in large part, who we are, and because they ultimately choose us on whether they accept us or not, the more we find our identity in Christ, the better friend we become. The better friend we become the more likely we will attract the kind of friends that we have been longing for.

What does this look like in real life?

1. Pray, and listen, regularly that God will provide discernment in who you should spend time with and how much time you should spend with them.
2. Remind yourself in whatever way you can who you are in Christ (on your bathroom mirror, on your refrigerator, in your car, on your iPad wallpaper, whatever) - significant, loved, accepted.
3. Be yourself in one conversation this week where you have routinely not been - talk, walk, interact in ways that are you, rather than what you think the other person would want you to say or do so that they will accept you.

Being the kind of friend that is chosen by the kind of friends you would like to have takes work. Start small, take a step this week and before you know it, when you regularly choose to find your identity in Christ and live and breath and talk as your real self around others, despite who they are, you will notice that those who surround you as friends are much closer to what you desire. So get out there and walk confidently in the knowledge that you are infinitely loved by the God who has chosen you and has blessed you with the opportunity to be chosen by others.

Much Grace,

Josh