Why Do I Become So Anxious?
It's 5:30 pm. I park my white, four-door sedan in the garage and yank the key out of the ignition. As I rest my forehead on the top of the steering wheel, I ask myself, "Where do I muster up the energy to be fully present with my family for the next five hours?" I sit in the silence for a couple of minutes. No answer. So I lug my lower-left limb out of the car and use it as leverage to convince the rest of me to go with it. It works. I walk over to the door that leads into the kitchen of my home. I stand in front of the door, staring at white, listening to the voices of my wife and three children to see what I am coming into. Like a worried toddler who cautiously tiptoes to inspect if a monster is in his closet in the middle of the night, I slowly open the door, expectant that nothing bad is really there, but always prepared to deal with the worst. On this night I am greeted with a beautiful, smiling grin from daddy's little crawler and, simultaneously, get attacked by a three-year old who thinks he is going to be the next MMA champ. He lands a punch and a karate chop and begs to get thrown on the couch, as if it is a wrestling ring. My oldest son is imaginatively peering into the television set, not aware that I am home. I give him a bear hug and a few kisses on his cheek. He half-smiles and giggles and then reenters the land of imagination. All is good in the Nickels' household. I then ask them to sit down for supper. All is no longer good in the Nickels' household. Pulling future MMA champ, Mr. Imagination and daddy's little crawler to the table for dinner is like pulling a leach from fresh epidermis. The monsters start exploding from the closet. Temper tantrums, demands and tired squeals. Feeling overwhelmed, my anxiety catapults to the surface of my chest, as I attempt to bring order, control and calm to the house - quite unsuccessfully, I might add. This scene is one that happens on a regular basis, many times per week. It's a source of anxiety for me. And I've wondered why? Why do I become so anxious at times like this? What is it about the end of the workday, with kids acting like kids and having many loose ends to tie up that causes such angst in me? This series of posts explores some answers to these questions. Here is the first of my top five ways to increase anxiety in my own life (and a few personal thoughts on how to work with them).
Begin the Day with a Bang
Waking up at the last minute, rushing around for a shower and throwing a few spoonfuls of soggy cereal in my mouth is, embarrassingly, a common experience for me. I tend to grossly underestimate the time it takes to complete tasks. What often needs two or three hours to complete, I try to pack into forty-five minutes. Dumb, I know. I have had to rely on others to ask how long a task will actually take and be humble enough to use the suggested allotted time, instead of my unrealistic time. An ideal morning, for me, begins in the evening; that is, getting to bed by 10:30 p.m. If I don't, I am sure to sleep through my alarm or half-consciously punch the snooze button a few times. Ideally, again I am very much in process with this shift in routine, my skeleton routine looks like this:
- 5:30 a.m. - Spend time in silence with God, centering my soul for the day, through listening to him, reading his Word and/or a spiritually meaty book and music.
- 6:00 a.m. - Review my calendar and tasks for the day, making necessary mental notes and changes as needed. Can include key email and texts that require responses.
- 6:30 a.m. - Write material for a book that I would like to publish some day.
- 7:00 a.m. - Shower & dress.
- 7:30 a.m. - Make breakfast, pack lunches & get kids ready for school.
- 8:00 a.m. - Eat breakfast as a family and get oldest son on bus.
- 8:30 a.m. - Leave for work.
There have been numerous books devoted to how waking up early gives life and energy to the rest of the day's happenings. It's the preparation of the heart, mind and soul for the game of life. If we don't prepare in the morning we are, at best, going to have a lot of sloppy failures and a few lucky successes. Even if you are a night owl you can retrain your biological clock to get to bed at a decent time and wake-up early enough to set your day up well. It will be difficult, I'm not going to lie - every good thing usually is; but, it's well worth the sustained effort to begin the day with God in order to be with and in him for the remainder of it.
What's New is Old
What leadership, psychology, and self-help experts have been gradually discovering has been known for thousands of years. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in Life Together, pens, "The early morning belongs to the Church of the risen Christ. At he break of light it remembers the morning on which death and sin lay prostrate in defeat and new life and salvation were given to mankind" (p. 41). I suppose with so much artificial light in our technologically-advanced world, it is difficult to appreciate the natural rhythms that God has put into place. This does not negate, though, the importance of taking steps toward arranging our lives with the natural day-and-night rhythm that God has initiated in creation. What if we resonated with psalmist? "O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice" (Ps 5:3); "I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you" (Ps 88:13). Bonhoeffer reminds us that the morning is the time of God's special help for his people. It is in the morning that we experience afresh the mercies of God (Lam 3:23). Mornings, even if you hate them now, can become your best friend. They can become the quiet place to settle your soul and to remind you of who is in charge and where your priorities, identity and daily mission come from. It can be that regular place where you and I can learn to reflect on our present state, listen to our Creator and center our daily lives around what's important to him.
Think of the decrease in anxiety that might happen if we started our day out with priorities aligned, identity reinforced and mission understood. Imagine aligning our lives with the natural rhythm of creation, in the way that our bodies were made. I think this would be a BIG first step in minimizing unnecessary anxiety, which, in turn, removes a barrier that often blocks us from living from our true identity that is ours in Christ.
How Do I Make This a Reality in My Own Life?
- Admit your fears, frustrations and dislikes of the morning to God.
- Ask God to soften your heart toward the importance of waking up early enough to prepare for the day.
- Start waking up, incrementally, earlier. Start with 10-15 minutes earlier for a week. Each week add 10-15 minutes. Keep this going until you get to your ideal wake-up time.
- Tell others and ask them to check-in on how you are doing with this change in rhythm.
- Don't forget to celebrate each day you wake up earlier. Enjoy all the steps in the process, rather than just "wanting" to be at the goal. God is with you as much during the process as he is when you get "there."
Next Week's Topic
Your-Learning-To-Not-Be-Anxious-For-Anything-Friend,
Joshua
Aww hon, I don't know any young parent who's not anxious when facing the melee at the end of a long and busy day.
ReplyDeleteHave you considered adding in a transition time, of say five minutes, for calling kiddos to the table? About five minutes before it's time, turn the tv off and let them know that supper is in five minutes, and they'll be expected to come to the table. Set a timer if you need to, depending on your kiddo's personalities. I found that including "transition time" worked well for my stubborn one when he was smaller. It might help. Just a suggestion, anyway. :)
Routine is also important. It sounds as if you guys are already on a fairly stable routine. Again, from my own experience and reading, I can tell you that knowing "what comes next" is big in moving kids forward through their day successfully.
There are some really excellent books that might help you as well- particularly Boundaries with Kids by Cloud and Townsend. It helped me to separate my children's behavior and demands and not take everything personally, which helped me deal with them more objectively and with less anxiety. I've also heard good things about Kevin Leman's books, although I haven't read them myself as yet.
Most of all, just keep in mind that you've got some pretty cool kiddos, and the fact that they are excited to see you come home speaks volumes. I've also seen you interacting with them at church, and I know you're an awesome Dad. :)
As to the rising early thing... I do agree that you need that quiet "downtime" with the Lord, whether it's at 5:30AM (let's be real- that's probably the only truly quiet time you get in your house, with 3 littles underfoot!), or 8am or whenever works for you. I think the numbers on the clock are less important than the spiritual discipline you're working toward in putting yourself to bed at a good time and getting up when you feel you need to. Just... be kind to yourself. God understands. He's not waiting at your desk, checking his watch and tapping his foot when you come in 5 minutes late. He's sitting, waiting, ready to open his arms and say, "Josh, my son. I'm so glad you're here. It's so good to see you this morning."
Take care of you, P. Josh. Hope all this helps a little bit, just as words from one parent to another, one writer to another, and from someone who's "been there, done that" through some pretty crazy times with my own two. :)
And, thanks for being such a solid influence in my kids' lives, too. It means a lot to me to know they've got people who've got their backs.
Mary
I am definitely related to you:) great blog
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